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Talkin' Smack: The Big Conspiracy

How Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer and Joseph Stalin tricked me into writing last week's column By Dave Nagel
The topic of last week's Talkin' Smack seemed to arouse the full range of emotions in our readers, from "Dave, you're an idiot" to "Dave, your mom is an idiot for not committing infanticide when you were born." A few of you were a bit more level-headed about the whole thing, offering some practical suggestions for seeking help for my mental problems, while others offered some not so practical suggestions for where I could stuff my obviously impaired brain.

So what do I have to say for myself?

You might recall that around this time last year I had suffered some similar fallout from a Talkin' Smack that took a not so favorable look at Apple's product offerings. I explained that away by claiming to have been kidnapped while some peecee-using Microsoft freak took over Creative Mac to write those negative comments. I still stand by that claim.

However, this year I think I'd better offer a more plausible explanation. So here's how it went down.

As I recall, I was sitting here at my awesome G4 400, drinking some Don Jose Original Horchata (which was being served by my three teenaged French maids) and writing my column, the topic of which was "10 Reasons to Love Apple." I was sort of daydreaming about how I could afford three new G4 867s, when something odd caught my eye. The little spinning icon in my Internet Explorer browser had started pulsing, and I was able to see the faces of Bill Gates, Steve Ballmer and Joseph Stalin emerging from the icon and exhorting me to praise Windows and renounce the Mac.

I resisted, of course. I knew that two of them were the most evil men of the last 100 years, so why should I listen to their lies, especially when they're telling me to blast the Mac? I immediately pressed Shift-Option-Command-Escape to quit out of Internet Explorer and thus put an end to the hypnotic spell they were trying to cast on me. Then I downloaded and installed Opera because I surely wasn't going to use Internet Explorer again. Netscape, of course, wasn't an option.

Moments later I received an e-mail stating, "Hi! How are you? I send you this file in order to have your advice. See you later. Thanks." It included an attachment called "hailgates.win.bat." I tried to open it, but to no avail. I continued to receive several similar e-mails, none of which would open. Later I found out it was a virus, but I guess viruses are just incompatible with the Mac.

I figured the matter was settled, so I continued to write my column. I had just gotten to the part in which I stated, "The peecee platform doesn't stand a chance now that Apple has unveiled the 867 MHz G4," when I received a new e-mail. This one included an attachment called "gatesofhell.mp3." Well, I thought it was about time for a break, so I opened up the file in iTunes and started listening.

The melody was a bit reminiscent of Europe's "The Final Countdown." But the lyrics surely were not. These lyrics, instead of inspiring me to wear makeup and hang out in German discos, were telling me to spread lies all over the Internet by telling people that peecees are faster than Macs. What's more, they were using the power of iTunes to hypnotize me completely into submission. After all, who could resist the excellent audio visualization features of Apple's iTunes? O, the devils! They had me this time, using the power of Apple's own software against me!

Who can resist the call of iTunes, even when
it is used against Apple?

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