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Punchline of the Week
Q: Why did the peecee user say to the devil?

A: Hi, Is this tech support???

—This week's best answer came from Nick Bolovinos.

Next Week's Punchline of the Week
See your name in glowing, correct-gamma phosphor lights by sending in the best punchline to this question:

Q: What did the peecee user say when he got to hell?

Send punchlines to [email protected]. You just might see your answer here next week.


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Talkin' Smack: Gloria in Excelsis Mac OS

The Mac season is upon us

by David Nagel
Executive Producer
[email protected]

Our popular culture has handed down to us the notion that hell is full of nothing but peecees. But contrary to popular opinion, there are some Macintoshes in hell as well—mostly Umax clones, some PowerBook 520s and the few G3s and G4s that shipped with Western Digital hard drives. The Macs in hell aren't actually used by its denizens; they're just dangled over the heads of the damned as they toil away at their Office 2000 spreadsheets. (Even the worst Macs ever made are better than the best peecees.) It's cruel torture to be sure, but that's what you get for being naughty and buying Ricky Martin CDs.

Meanwhile, over in heaven, the Mac reigns supreme. Well, almost supreme, anyway. Wouldn't want to go and upset Jobs ... er ... God. Oh, they have all the best stuff in heaven, even some prototypes we won't see here for another six months or so. Plus they have all the good peripherals and loads of software—all with site licenses, of course, and enough dongles for everybody. It's truly a Mac user's paradise.

"Dave," you say, "you certainly seem in a holy mood. What's gotten into you?"

I suppose it's the spirit of the season, dear reader.

"The 'season?'"

Sure. Didn't you realize it? This weekend marked the beginning of the holiest season of the year—the Christmas shopping season, a tradition dating back to the time of Jesus, who, you will recall, was a big fan of merging religious institutions with commerce.

"Oh, yeah. I forgot to go shopping this weekend."

Well, you're going to have to say 99 "Hail Wozniaks" for that little transgression. But that's beside the point.

"What is the point?"

Well, you might remember that back in August I published a list of things you should get me for my birthday in appreciation for all the hard work I put into this site. Unfortunately, I published it the same week as my birthday, which didn't give you much time to shop. The result? No gifts from you or the other readers whatsoever. So now, for Christmas, I'm publishing my list early.

"Well, Dave, you have been very good this year, and I do enjoy your work, so I think I will get you something this year. Lay it on me."

All right. First, I want a dual-processor G4. I don't care which model. Second, I want a PowerBook. I'm tired of taking my G4 on the road with me. I don't care which one as long as it's a PowerPC. I'd also like a Medea disk array and an ATTO SCSI controller. I want a Fuji S1 digital camera and something fancy to print out my work, like an Epson 9500 or something. Don't forget the ink refills. Get me a Wacom Intuos pad as well. A big one. And a digital projector. Any model will do.

"What about software, Dave?"

I have all the software I want. Actually, too much. I have boxes of stuff I haven't even opened yet.

"Well, it seems like a reasonable list. Are you sure there isn't anything else you want? What about the people who can't afford to get you anything on your list?"

You mean the poor people? The Honda drivers? Les miserables? Well, at the very least they can go and give me some hits on my new site, Digital Media Designer. They can make sure to click on all of the links for maximum effectiveness.

"That sounds like a good deal, Dave. Look, I have to get going. Is there anything else you want to tell me?"

Nah. I have to go too. Besides, I'm starting to run thin on material. I better save some for next week.

Dave Nagel is the producer of Creative Mac and Digital Media Designer; host of the Creative Mac, Adobe InDesign, Adobe LiveMotion and Synthetik Studio Artist WWUGs; and executive producer of Creative Mac, Digital Media Designer, Digital Pro Sound, Digital Webcast, Plug-in Central, Presentation Master, and Video Systems sites. All are part of the Digital Media Net family of online industry hubs.

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