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Talkin' Smack: Real Time

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When I got outside I realized that it hadn't stopped raining. The rain was just suspended in midair. Something very odd was going on. I was almost positive of it.

Then it dawned on me. This is the year 2000. As we all know, every thousand years, during the switch from Daylight Savings Time to Real Time, time bunches up on itself, essentially freezes. It's a time of great power for those smart enough or wealthy enough to use it to their advantage. Almost anything can be accomplished when time stands still. Governments can be toppled. Diseases can be removed from sick children's bodies. A person about to be murdered can be pushed out of the way of a bullet. Anything, really! So after brief consideration, I got to work. But while I was in the middle of looting my neighbors' homes, I was struck with a thought: Somebody is behind all of this. I'm just one of the lucky few who weren't caught up in the time vortex. There must be somebody out there who's an evil genius with enough money to make all of this happen. But who could it be?


Of course. But why was he wasting his non-time stalking me? I couldn't figure it out. But our destinies were somehow intertwined, so I would have to confront him man to man. Plus I had left my wife and kids alone in the house with him, so I decided I ought to check on them. I pocketed my neighbor's wedding band and grimly headed home.

When I arrived, the door was ajar, and I headed in. He was nowhere to be found.

"Gates!" I called out. "Show thyself!"

Suddenly the phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Giiive meee baack myyy bodyyyyyyy...." the voice on the line said.

"Who is this?"

"Myyy bodyyy...." came the reply.

"I think you have the wrong number. Whom were you trying to call?"

The line went dead. Must have been a wrong number. So I resumed my search for Gates.

"Come out where I can see you," I roared. "The reckoning is begun!"

The phone rang again.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Giiive iiit baaack. Giiive iiit baaack...." The voice moaned.

"Oh, for criminy's sake. You have the wrong number again. Whom are you trying to reach?"


"Well you're not here, so try a different number," I said and hung up.

But wait a minute, I thought. If time is standing still for everybody but me and Bill Gates, then that must have been ... oh, crap! I was so scared I immediately ran to the bathroom to relieve myself, but it was too late. I stood in front of the sink and began to weep. Just then, the lights came back on. I looked up, and, standing in front of me, also weeping, was Bill Gates. Only it wasn't Bill Gates. It was just a reflection in the mirror. That meant—

"Noooooooooo!" I called out. "It can't beeeee!"

I was the monster in the mirror. When I saw Gates in the windows, it was just a reflection of myself. The symbolism was so obvious!

But why had the lights come back on? Of course! It had been an hour since they went out, and now time had caught back up with itself. The spell should have been broken at the same time, but it wasn't. How could I return to my own glorious body?

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