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OPINION OCTOBER 9 , 2000
Talkin' Smack: Everything’s Getting Normal Again

With Apple stock in the dumps and Microsoft back to its old shenanigans, Mac users can rest easy once again

by David Nagel
Executive Producer
[email protected]

Well, this week I offer a mixed bag of fruits for you to chew on. First up, while I thought I would avoid the topic of Apple's stock plunge of two weeks yore, I don't think I can any longer. The stock has continued (as of this writing) to sag in the low twenties, and more and more adult education extension graduates with phony degrees—namely MBAs—continue to flap their gums about the impending doom of Apple. They say:

1. Apple isn't positioned to synergize with future paradigms.
2. Steve Jobs can't run a company.
3. Apple operates in an unsustainable niche.

I answer these charges as follows:

1. Synergy and paradigm are words stupid people use to cover up the fact that they don't know what they're talking about, so shut up.
2. That's heresy.
3. That "unsustainable niche" is my readership, you creeps. Nobody talks bad about my readers. You want a piece of this? Bring it on.

More specifically, they contrast Apple with computer makers who are supposedly "doing it right." Doing what right? Copying Apple's technology? Using somebody else's operating system? So who's doing it right out there? Compaq? I spit on Compaq's grave. Dell? Dell's all right sometimes, but now they're falling short on profit predictions as well. Hewlett Packard? Oh my sweet Bejeezus, if only you could see how those steaming piles of Kayak crap stunk up our offices earlier this year!

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