Yep, that's an awful lot of firepower for a little, cheesy piece like this. I guess that's why I'm a writer and not a movie guy. No shame in that. In fact, being a movie guy isn't such a great way to go through life. I mean, movie guys have to pay a permit fee just for pulling out a camera on a public street here in the land the Constitution forgot, so I'm really better off sticking to writing unless I move a smidgen North to Los Angeles, where you need a permit to be a writer. How's that for free press?
Anyhoo, I guess I'm digressing. The point is this: Just be glad I'm not one of those guys who uses a goofy, boring mug shot with his column like so many Web wannabees out there who care nothing about their users. Always remember that ol' Davey here loves you, so save your criticisms for someone who deserves them.
25 , 2000
Last week's "Talkin' Smack" seemed to have toppled many of you readers quite off your ends. The article questioned the wisdom of Apple charging $30 for beta software (OS X) and even went so far as to question the divinity of Steve Jobs.
Venomous words indeed!
Now, you all know me as one of the strictest Mac psychofanatics of all time. Therefore you must realize that I did not, in fact, write that column. I was just as surprised as you to read its contents!
I can't say exactly what happened. Perhaps some three-button-mouse-clicking peecee freak hacked into our Linux server and posted that bilious tripe for some evil purpose known only to Bill Gates. (It wouldn't have happened with a Mac OS X server!) Perhaps somebody monitored my e-commerce activities and stole my identity, took my place at work, wrote that column and then reintroduced artificial memories into my brain to keep me from suspecting anything.
I don't know. All's I know is this: I am squarely in the corner of Mac orthodoxy and would never have written those heresieseven if I were captured and tortured by the Gatesian Inquisition! (Jobs forbid!) And I'm very proud of all of you who saw through such trickery and wrote in to chastise me for supposedly writing such blasphemy. That's fine work, soldiers!
The indisputable fact is that we Mac faithful are fortunate to have the divine guidance of Jobs. And the peecee minions are fortunate that Great Jobs has not rallied us all to purge the world of their kind.
"Uh, Dave," you say, "just what do you mean by 'divine?' And what do you mean by 'purge?' I'm a little uncomfortable with that."
Oh, I don't mean anything by that, dear reader. Just that Jobs is a jealous god and could very well call upon us Mac loyalists to wreck the world and kill everything.
"Aha.... Well, I'm good with that. But when will the call come?"
Only Jobs knows, dear reader. The ways of Apple are mysterious to us mere men and/or women. Witness the apparent decline of the Mac platform following the ousting of the One True Jobs during the Great Pepsification under the rule of Sculley. (Curse his bones!) And then let us not forget the Righteous Rebongification of Apple in recent years, heralded by the release of the Bondi Avenger and followed up with the ultimate Macathrustrathe God-4, otherwise known as G4. Who could have predicted such events? Such things may not be foretold.
So I cannot say when the call will come. But know this, reader: It surely will. And in those times the peecee users will know fear. And we will stand firm and tall and proud. And we will be strengthened by our faith in the Mac and our knowledge that a 500 MHz G4 is faster than a 1 GHz Pentium III and that a Mac OS X beta is more stable than a full release of Windows. Our cause shall prevail! By the dugs of Jobs, I swear it!
And as we stand, triumphant, amid the wreckage of the earth, the One True Jobs will lift us off this world and rocket us to a less beige planet where we will live forever and play Diablo II forever. Amen.
So go forth from your dwellings and spread the news: The Day of Mac is at hand!
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings.
Dave Nagel is the producer of Creative Mac; host of the Creative Mac, Adobe InDesign, Adobe LiveMotion and Synthetik Studio Artist WWUGs; and executive producer of Creative Mac, DCC Designer, DCC Workstation, Digital DTP, Digital Pro Sound, Digital Webcast, Hollywood Industry, Plug-in Central, Presentation Master, ProAudio.net and Video Systems sites. All are part of the Digital Media Net family of online industry hubs.
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