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Talkin' Smack: The Way of the Mac

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4. Propaganda. As hard as we work to regain a foothold in a Windows-dominated world, we can't do it alone. We're going to need popular opinion on our side. So, starting today, start spreading the word of the glory of Mac and the depravity of Windows. Fortunately, we have the best platform for creating content, which means we should be able to churn out all kinds of PSAs—for television, print, radio and the Web. For this portion of our Re-Macification strategy, we should take a cue from this country's two largest political parties (the Democrats and Republicans, in case you didn't know). Particularly, we should make nonsensical appeals in support of children and the elderly and boldly pronounce our opposition to things like crime, even though we already have more prisoners in this country than in any other. We should probably also make outrageous promises that we can't possibly keep but that, for some reason, people keep believing. Here are some slogans I think will work:

  • Windows users want to kill your children!
  • The Macintosh will save Social Security and reduce the national debt without raising taxes!
  • Microsoft: The "soft" stands for "soft on crime."
  • If Hitler were alive today, he'd be a Windows user.
  • Big Tobacco uses Windows. Tobacco kills children. What's next, killing puppies? Buy a Mac. Stop the killing of children and puppies.
  • Do you understand Windows? Neither do we. Buy a Mac. (For placement in Modern Maturity and distribution in AARP membership collateral)
  • Is your Windows peecee better off today than it was four years ago?
  • "I hate America and all it stands for."—Joey S., Windows user.
  • The Department of Defense entrusts the lives of our boys on the front lines to Macintosh. Shouldn't you use a Mac in the defense of the home front?
  • Apple Macintosh. It just sounds more wholesome than Microsoft Windows.
  • What do right-wing extremists and left-wing liberals have in common? Windows.

I'm sure you can think of many more creative slogans. Feel free to post them in the Creative Mac user forum. (No profanity, please. Remember, we want people to think we're moral.)

5. Defense. Once we get popular opinion on our side, the Windows faction will feel the pressure to act. This means we'll have to defend ourselves. Go to thrift stores and start building up a Macintosh IIci collection. We'll use these to build defensive structures, since they were built stronger than tanks. We should also buy up a bunch of PowerBook 5300s for use as land mines. Finally, if worse comes to worst, be prepared to remove the fans from your multiprocessing G4s to provide a ring of fire around your encampment.

6. Re-Macification. Chances are the whole Windows regime will be brought down by e-mail viruses. So all we really have to do is wait it out. When it's all over, we'll be there to pick up the pieces. Like General De Gaul, the leaders of Apple will return from their hiding places, claiming they had led the battle from abroad. Let them keep their illusions. The important thing is that we will be free to use our Macs openly once again.

Remember, if we all work together, we can survive the coming onslaught and make the world safe once again for single-button computing. It's our God-given right.


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Dave Nagel is the producer of Creative Mac; host of the Creative Mac, Adobe InDesign, Adobe LiveMotion and Synthetik Studio Artist WWUGs; and executive producer of Creative Mac, DCC Designer, DCC Workstation, Digital DTP, Digital Pro Sound, Digital Webcast, Hollywood Industry, Presentation Master, and Video Systems sites. All are part of the Digital Media Net family of online industry hubs.

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