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Dave peaks out from his hiding spot in a cave in Irvine, Calif., his MacAlly USB joystick at the ready in case any Windows users happen upon him.

 


 

OPINION AUGUST 21 , 2000
Talkin' Smack: The Way of the Mac

A guide to surviving the end times

by David Nagel
Executive Producer
[email protected]

You'd have to be blind not to see the signs. Fires. Hurricanes. Earthquakes. Cows being born with two heads. The moon turning blood red. Tobacco prices skyrocketing. The coming together of Britney Spears and Nsync. Truly these are the end times.

We all know what this means, don't we? The rise of the Antichrist. The persecution of the righteous. Well, the prophecies can't be much clearer than this. Obviously this means that Bill Gates will rise to unparalleled power and use his thousand-year reign of terror to crush Mac users.

But we Mac folk ain't goin' out like that. No, we are a hearty breed acclimated to adversity. We survived the Gil Amelio years, and we'll survive this as well. But not without training and preparation. I've seen lots of literature on the topic of surviving the coming apocalypse, but none of these works really address the Mac user's role in the survival of the Gatesian doom and the rebuilding of civilization. And so I offer you, dear reader, the top pieces of advice I've culled from my years of experience fighting the good fight. (Note: Before you go and turn me in to the FBI, please realize that there's nothing in here that you can't find in government publications.)

1. Communications. The key to any organized resistance is a network through which the members can communicate. But you can't just drive down the freeway in a pickup truck with a spool of category 5 cable uncoiling behind you. It attracts too much attention. Believe me. I know. Instead, I'd like to encourage all of you to go out and buy as many AirPort wireless docking stations as you can afford and bury them 100' apart. With any luck, we can have nationwide wireless communications in no time.

2. Organization. As in the dark years of the late '80s and early '90s, we won't be able to count on Apple to lead us through adversity. We'll need to help ourselves. I suggest we organize into hexadecimal clusters organized into a hierarchical structure akin to a pyramid. Each person in a Cluster A will recruit two new people to start their own clusters—Cluster B—who will then recruit for Cluster C, etc. While we're at it, we can also engage in a little profitable multi-level marketing and sell the rights to form a cluster, which can then be resold to the next cluster level, etc. This will encourage people to join early. We'll need a leader, somebody to head up Cluster A. I nominate me. I have five openings at the top still left, which I'll sell for $20,000 each. If you wish to become a Cluster B leader, it will cost you only $10,000. Plus, I get a percentage of each sale you make.

3. Technical Expertise. Macintosh computers will be illegal during the Gatesian Ascension. You won't just be able to go down to your local CompUSA to get your hard drive fixed or add more RAM. So we're going to need people with knowledge of Mac repair in each one of our clusters. What's more, we'll need Apple-certified technicians so we don't void our warranties. So go out and get your certification. Then report back to me. I have a couple of 7300s that are acting funny.

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