Bizarro Steve Jobs




OPINION AUGUST 14 , 2000
Talkin' Smack: A Very Mac Birthday

How you can help make this year's celebration the specialest ever

by David Nagel
Executive Producer
[email protected]

This week marks my six-month anniversary here at Creative Mac. It also happens to be my birthday week. Back in the days when I was working in regular old print publishing, reporting on things I could care less about, I used to take the whole week off to escape the misery. I'd sit around in my underwear, smoke my cigars, drink my Jack Daniels, write a screenplay and tool around on my Mac. I used to call it "Mac Week." Now, in my present position, this would infringe upon the registered trademark of one of my favorite Mac publications. So I'll just call it "Week du Mac," a blissful week, something I've always looked forward to. Jealous? It's not a bad way to get through life.

But now I play on my Mac, sit around in my underwear and drink Jack Daniels for a living. While this is very nice, it does leave me in a bit of a quandary. What am I supposed to do for my birthday this year? I know for a fact that I can't go five hours without getting on my Mac. So, if I stay home, I'll just wind up working. I could go on a birthday shopping spree. I am, after all, a dot-com billionaire. But, like Bill Gates, I'm saving up my money to build a robot army. And, again like Bill Gates, what money I'm not saving for this purpose goes straight to this nation's most deserving charities, such as the Harvard School of Business. At any rate, my money is clearly tied up elsewhere, which is where you, dear reader, come in.

"Dave," you say, "you've provided us with six months of some of the best Mac content on the Web. You're funny, smart, handsome and knowledgeable. Whatever you want, just ask."

Well thank you, reader. You forgot "talented," but I'll let it slide. And since you ask, here's a list to guide you in your effort to make my 32nd birthday the best ever. Don't worry about duplicating items on this list. A man can always do with back-up gear.

  • G4 dual 500. I need a lot of these so I can set up a render farm.
  • Canon XL-1 with an adapter to mount it on my telescope.
  • Matrox RT Mac (preorder) for dual-stream uncompressed video with real-time effects.
  • Targa Ciné (preorder) for those weekends when I feel like playing around with uncompressed HD.
  • Media 100 i (XR) with the forthcoming remote field unit.
  • A PowerBook to go with my remote field unit.
  • An SGI flat-panel display.
  • An ICE board. (Don't forget to write custom drivers for Lightwave.)
  • Voodoo5 5500 so I can beat all those PC users at Unreal Tournament.
  • An Apple Pro Keyboard.
  • A 10/100/1,000 switch to go with all my new G4s. (Don't buy me a Linksys. It won't work with my cable modem.)
  • Several Apple Cinema displays.
  • Pro Tools 5 with a 13-slot expansion chassis filled with every available audio board.
  • Guitar lessons so I can use my new Pro Tools setup.
  • A new bike.

I know this last one isn't Mac-related, but I am a bit overweight, and riding my bike to work would probably help a lot. Also, being in California, I've been paying an unconstitutional registration fee for my car for the last 15 years, and having a bike would help me avoid this fee.

"You're not overweight, Dave," you say. "You're just beefy and muscular."

Thank you, reader. But isn't it about time for you to stop chattering and go buy me my presents? And don't forget to include the right amount of postage. I'm out of here.

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