May 8

The Great Virus
How the Mac will save humanity

Evolution's next great leap: In the coming years, Mac users will evolve at an accelerated rate, leaving the Windows users in the evolutionary dust. Pictured here is a super-evolved me with my very own pet Windows monkey. Click image for more valuable information.

by David Nagel
Senior Producer

So were any of you out there hit by the "ILOVEYOU" virus last week? No? But how could this be? Oh, that's right, you're all using Macintoshes.

It's so satisfying to me whenever one of these freakish viruses spreads panic throughout the world. First of all, I love to see people panic. There's something pure about the haunches of humanity sizzling on the barbecue grill of Chaos. They just go nuts. At this particular phase in human evolution, the response to panic and chaos, in addition to the primordial pupilary and glandular functions, seems to be the spasmodic flailing of fingers at the computer keyboard, resulting in e-mails with subject lines like, "FW: FW: Re: FW: %20 Re: DONT OPEN EMAIL CALLED 'ILOVEYOU.'"

Of course, the e-mail takes up 5 MB on your hard drive because of all the WINMAIL.DAT attachments and whatever else these panicky folk have done in their effort to save the world with their heroic forwarding of an e-mail.

And then you also get all the good men and women of the FBI soiling their Garments over the potential threat to national security. Never ones to seize more power in a time of crisis, they hand over the whole affair to their tech department to work out a solution in quiet, shunning reporters and all sound-bite opportunities to show their hepness by using cyberslang at every turn. Their tech department, being very skilled, then solves the problem and gets back to the business of defending liberty through non-violent, non-intrusive, democratic means.

By now, we've come to ignore such efforts because we know our Macs are immune to 99 percent of the viruses out there. That's the second reason I love these virus panics: They're palpable demonstrations of the next course of human evolution. Just as the ground-walkers broke away from the brachiators, so we, Macintosh users, branch off (sorry for the pun) from the Windows monkeys.

It is a well documented fact that people are becoming more and more dependent on their computers. This phenomenon will continue to perpetuate exponentially until, six months from now, we will be unable to distinguish human from machine. (Mark my words!) Then, when the Great Virus finally strikes (as predicted by Nostradamus and the Mayans) in 2012, all of the Windows users will lose everything until they are nothing more than sinew and bone weighed down by the cathode ray tubes duct-taped to their heads. Helpless and without the data they require to get themselves out of this mess, they and their civilization fall apart at the root level.

Mac users, of course, will be unaffected. The same strengths that keep us from getting the latest version of Baldur's Gate or Warcraft III in a timely fashion will protect us from viral infestation as well. When the Windohuman society crumbles, we will be there, as always, to clean up their mess and carry on the Macosapien line.

Surely there will still be a place for the Windohumans—in our zoos and such—for we Mac users are always liberal of heart. Perhaps we'll even take some in as pets. And the real business of ruling the world will fall on us. In this period of Ascension, men and women will live, love and die as always, but they will live slightly better, love a bit more intensely and die with a smile on their lips. Miscreants will eventually develop viruses designed for the Mac, and, as a matter of course, we'll be left behind like the once-proud Windows monkeys, leaving a festering ruin in which the Linuxian Jihad will incubate. But that is a story for another time.

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Dave Nagel is the still somewhat new Senior Producer of Creative Mac. An eight-year veteran of the print publishing world, Nagel covered a broad range of topics in the areas of technology and marketing. As a Mac psychofanatic since 1987, he's finally landed his dream job: earning a living writing about his favorite topic. If you have something to say, please send a polite e-mail to [email protected]. (Let's not try to bring him down from his euphoria too soon.)

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